You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
