Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
