Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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