It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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