so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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