I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize