I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
