She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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