Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
