Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
