The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
