Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
