just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
