I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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