My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
