I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
either way he was missing a nipple.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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