Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
