i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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