There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
