matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
