before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
