im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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