Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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