You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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