When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
