i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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