did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
