I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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