my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
