I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
