Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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