Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
