I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
