did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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