hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
