Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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