I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
