How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
