threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize