Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
