I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
