My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
