Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
