Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
