??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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