Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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