you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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