I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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