I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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