i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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