i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
