mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want to fling myself into the sun
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
