thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
