Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's shark week go big or go home
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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