why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
