You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
