rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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