put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think my fart just growled at me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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