did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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