Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
