why didn't you poke me back
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
