If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
