wakey wakey hands off snakey
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
